if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize
