hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Randomize
