Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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