so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
We smell like vodka and hangover
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