I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
