I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
