kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
