She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I need a beard to bite.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
