I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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