i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
false alarm. still invincible.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
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