Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
you will always have a special place in my vag
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
