did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
