Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
