fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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