just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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