I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
