Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I can't turn off my feet"
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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