listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
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