how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
