Please, let me fuck your mom
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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