this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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