i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
