I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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