I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
