i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize