dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
