Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
