Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
