i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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