Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
