So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
