Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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