I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
