ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
