someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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