Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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