new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
