3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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