cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
