Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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