fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Randomize