Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
he had hair everywhere except his balls
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
