Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Randomize
