my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize