The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
