Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
