Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
