I wish my penis had an off switch
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
