my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
You know, be my cock's hype man.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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