haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
