R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
