i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I need a beard to bite.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
