Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
