I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
