1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
