were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
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