She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
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