This girl is more easily done than said...
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
