Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
