I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
