i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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