if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
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