i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Randomize
