Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
