I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
