Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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