I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
