I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
